If my best friend was in my situation

If my best friend was in my situation, I'd tell her to get the f*ck out.

Yes, I'd tell her, you made some mistakes, and you hurt him, but you don't deserve to be anyone's emotional punching bag.

I know that's what I should do. But for some reason I just can't get out of it. Despite all the crap, I love him.

Even though he makes me feel the lowest lows in my life, when things are good, it's also the highest highs.

I know in my head how f*cked up that is, and reading that on the screen makes me sick.

How am I, a well-education, smart, won't stand for any bullsh*t girl here? AGAIN?

And why can't I walk away?

I can't believe I'm here again.

Another June. Another breakup.

I can't believe after all I've learned I've ended up here again. 

He Said YOLO

......like not sarcastically, actually said it like he thought it was cool.

How to Let Go of Past Relationships

Let Go Of Past Relationships (from http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/)

21. Identify what the experience taught you to help develop a sense of closure.

22. Write everything you want to express in a letter. Even if you choose not to send it, clarifying your feelings will help you come to terms with reality as it is now.

23. Remember both the good and the bad. Even if appears this way now, the past was not perfect. Acknowledging this may minimize your sense of loss. As Laura Oliver says, “It’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.”

24. Un-romanticize the way you view love. Of course you’ll feel devastated if you believe you lost your soul mate. If you think you can find a love that amazing or better again it will be easier to move on.

25. Visualize an empowered single you—the person you were before meeting your last love. That person was pretty awesome, and now you have the chance to be him or her again.

26. Create a space that reflects your present reality. Take down his pictures; delete her emails from your saved folder.

27. Reward yourself for small acts of acceptance. Get a facial after you delete his number from your phone, or head out with friends after putting all her things in a box.

28. Hang this statement somewhere you can see it. “Loving myself means letting go.”

29. Replace your emotional thoughts with facts. When you think, “I’ll never feel loved again!” don’t resist that feeling. Instead, move on to another thought, like “I learned a new song for karaoke tonight.”

30. Use the silly voice technique. According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, swapping the voice in your head with a cartoon voice will help take back power from the troubling thought.

My Mind Won't Stop Racing

I can't stop thinking the same thoughts over and over, and it is so exhausting. 


Maybe writing them down will help.


Mostly these are things I want to ask Ricky but know I shouldn't.  I shouldn't because the answer doesn't change the reality of the situation.  And I'm not sure knowing the answers would make me feel any better.


1. Do you really think your life will be better without me in it?
2. Was I too available?  You did fall in love with me when you were chasing me so maybe once you had me you didn't even want me.....
3. Did you have us buy the car together because you knew you were going to break up with me but needed my name to get the loan?
4. Do you really think there's anyone out there who will be a better girlfriend to you than I was? You are a difficult person to love, your mother told me that the first time I met her.
5. Why did you waste my time?
6. Last week, when you knew we were going to break up and I woke you up sobbing because I was scared you were going to leave me...you assured me everything was fine.  You told me you loved me and that we would be together. Why??
7. How could you be so fucking cruel?

Keep Adding to the List of Reasons Why You're Glad He's Gone

1. LAZY - how did I forget this originally????? So lazy.

Day 1: No Contact

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping."

I lost it last night.  It started out innocently enough - trying to resolve our finances and the situation with our puppy that we adopted together.


And I lost it.


I said all the things I wanted to say to him - how he was so cruel, so heartless, how the problems weren't with me but with him.


Strangely, I felt better.  Like a HUGE weight had been lifted from my chest.  He may have ended it, but I had the last word.


Now I need to give myself 60 days of no contact with him.  Today is day 1.  You can get away with that profanity spewing verbal rampage once (I think) but you can't do it again.


So today is yours.  One step at a time.  Don't think about the 59 days that lie in front of you, just make it through today.